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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I liked you better before we met.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.