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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?