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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?