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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.