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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.