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Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.