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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.