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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.