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Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
is "insert clever remark here."
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!