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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.