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If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.