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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.