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If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.