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I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.