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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.