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I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.