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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.