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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.