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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Carfax but for people
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come