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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.