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My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
I say the things better left unsaid.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.