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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
More people should be at a loss for words.
i only drink on days that end with y
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.