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For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!