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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
May the bridges I burn light the way.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.