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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.