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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them