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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.