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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over