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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.