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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.