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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands