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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”