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I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.