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There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!