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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.