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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”