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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!