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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY