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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.