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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?