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I wish I had a friend like me
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.