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I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.