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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.