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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.