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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Being normal is boring.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.