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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.