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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.