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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.