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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...