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What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.