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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.