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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.