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Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
If I throw a stick will you leave?
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?