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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.