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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."