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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
High fiving was the original "like".
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.