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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
This is a lousy dating site.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!