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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.