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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
what does bgif mean on a friday night ? ... boobs go in front
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...