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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"