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Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Check this one out.........1
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Did we try giving the government a snickers?