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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?