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Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.