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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.