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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.