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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.