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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today