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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house